


Is That a Croissant in Your Pocket?

by i_ship_an_armada, ShinySherlock



Series: Crack Fics with Food [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Established Relationship, Flirting, It's For a Case, Jealous!Sherlock, Jealousy, John "Three Continents" Watson, M/M, Texting, Wine, croissants in odd places, disguises, sherlock knows shit about superheroes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 12:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2229222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_ship_an_armada/pseuds/i_ship_an_armada, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinySherlock/pseuds/ShinySherlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock's trapped in a wine cellar, so it's "Three Continents" Watson to the rescue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is That a Croissant in Your Pocket?

**Author's Note:**

> We took three random words (cellar, croissant, cape) and then this happened.
> 
> Sherlock, in italics, is played by Armada.  
> John is played by Shiny.

_11:14 a.m._

_Are you here yet?_

 

11:15 a.m.

Just arrived. Front door.

 

_11:15 a.m._

_It’s bloody cold in this cellar. Try not to muck this up, will you?_

 

11:17 a.m.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. And maybe you wouldn’t be so cold if you’d gotten your arse out of there when you were supposed to.

 

_11:18 a.m._

_Point taken. But I did get the evidence, so it was not all in vain._

 

11:22 a.m.

Okay, I’ve bullshitted my way through to the buffet table. You hungry? They’ve got a mountain of croissants here, those chocolate ones you like.

 

_11:23 a.m._

_I’d like to see how you explain croissants in your pocket when you try and talk the sommelier into letting you into his wine cellar. Take pictures._

 

11:24 a.m.

Maybe I’ll just tell him I’m happy to see him.

 

_11:25 a.m._

_Not as happy as I will be to see you._

 

11:26 a.m.

You’re getting the hang of this flirting lark I can see. :) Okay, so now what?

 

_11:27 a.m._

_Ask to see the lead sommelier. Strike up conversation.  Tell him your sister is having a baby and that’s why you need to keep checking your phone in the middle of the conversation._

 

11:28 a.m.

Christ. Now I’m imagining Harry with a baby. Jesus, Sherlock. I don’t know shit about wine.

 

_11:29 a.m._

_I do. Text me the questions if they’re beyond your knowledge, and I’ll answer them. All you need is to sound like you know what you’re talking about for a few inquiries. This man is a braggart and will want to puff up his feathers and show you his work, but you’ve got to get an in first._

 

11:31 a.m.

Actually, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.

 

_11:32 a.m._

_Explain._

 

11:39 a.m.

Not sure where you got your information from, but the lead sommelier is very, very female and very, very interested.

 

_11:40 a.m._

_My information is not incorrect. Perhaps there are TWO lead sommeliers._

_And what do you mean, ‘interested’?_

 

11:55 a.m.

Quick, what sort of wine would they have in the cellar that’s impressive?

 

_11:56 a.m._

_Tell her you enjoy their lovely 2012 Sauvignon Blanc. Light. Reminiscent of elderflowers on a dewy morning. Shall I pocket a bottle? Maybe we can have it with dinner tonight after this tedious experience is over and done. Is she pretty?_

 

11:59 a.m.

She’s not as pretty as you. I’ll be down there soon, be ready to sneak out.

 

_12:02 p.m._

_Flattery will get you everywhere. Tell her you’d like to sample the wine directly from the cask and she’ll be more likely to let you down here._

 

12:05 p.m.

Pretty sure she’ll consider that a euphemism at this point. Look, I’ll keep her...occupied. You get out and then text me.

 

_12:08 p.m._

_And just how am I supposed to get past you? There is only one entrance, so unless I don a cape and fly over your heads like Insect-man, she’ll see me for sure._

_But just how pretty is she?_

 

12:10 p.m.

SPIDER-man. Who doesn’t have a cape, btw. And look, she’ll be thoroughly distracted, trust me.

 

_12:11 p.m._

_I have no doubt you can keep her occupied, but I’d like to be informed of your techniques for distraction. In detail._

 

12:12 p.m.

Well. You’re actually quite familiar with my techniques already.

 

_12:13 p.m._

_You’re...flirting with her._  

 

12:13 p.m.

Yes. (Sorry.)

 

_12:14 p.m._

_I don’t know whether to be impressed with your manipulative skills, or seething with jealousy._

 

12:16 p.m.

Both is all right. But look, it wasn’t. It doesn’t mean. It’s not real.

 

_12:18 p.m._

_Quite all right. I’ll let you make it up to me later. Several times._

 

12:19 p.m.

Yes, sir.

 

12:27 p.m.

At cellar door.

 

_12:28 p.m._

_Ready. I can hear you chatting her up. I did say several times, right?_

 

_12:45 p.m._

_I’m out._

_You can leave. This moment. Right now._

 

12:48 p.m.

All right, I’m upstairs. Told her the baby was born and I had to go. I’m an uncle.

 

_12:49 p.m._

_Harry will be so proud._

 

12:52 p.m.

Shut up. I’m at the car, where are you? Aren’t I supposed to be making something up to you? It took you a long time to sneak out, you know, I think I’ve rather more making up to do than you thought.

 

12:54 p.m.

I have a croissant in my pocket for you.

 

_12:55 p.m._

_And here I thought you were just glad to see me. Right behind you._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments always appreciated. <3  
> (And if you're looking for more to read, I (Shiny) made a [fic index](http://shinysherlock.tumblr.com/post/105509221665) of my stuff by category which I hope is helpful.)


End file.
